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[sekim]

Gee, I was reading, and posting, in a heavy thought topic a moment ago and thought there should also be something a little bit lighter here as well. Being in the construction trade, most jokes I know are not suitable for MJ Interact. Does anyone out there have a good CLEAN one? Please keep in mind that this is a family oriented website.

[JimH]

My old friend, Carlton, gone now, had a book of Hebrew Jokes that nearly killed him from laughing.  I'm not exagerating.  This was his favorite.


Old man, comes into the same deli in NY, where he has eaten lunch every day, for 35 years.  He orders the same soup, he has had each day.

Waiter brings him the soup, puts it down, and starts to walk away.

"Taste the soup!", the old man says.

Waiter turns around, walks back, looks at the soup, looks at the old man, says, "Mr. Rabin, it is the same soup you had yesterday, the same you ate last week, the same you have every day since I am a young man."

"Taste the soup!"

"But how can it be any different from yesterday, from "

"Taste the soup!"

Waiter, looks around, decides at last to humor the old man.  Reaching for the spoon, he notices there is no spoon.

"But there is no spoon."

"Aha!!"

[Trelane]

Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors?
If it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.

What do you call a female horse that comes out after dark?
A night mare.

Why didn't the vampire want to get married?
He wanted to remain a bat-chelor.

How do you make a slow horse fast?
Don't feed it.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phonebook?
Because they all have phones.

Have you heard the joke about the flying sandwich?
Nope.
Neither have I.

What did one coffin say to the other?
Is that you coughin'?

There was a young boy working as a bagger at a local supermarket. He confronted his manager one day about some additional duties. He asked his manager if he could be in charge of squeezing the orange juice each day in addition to being a bagger. His manager replied, "baggers can't be juicers."

What do they call lemons in California?
Lemons.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping out one night. After setting up their tent, they went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and asked, "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson replies, "well, there are millions of stars... and if there are millions of stars, then there must be millions of planets revolving around those stars. And if there are millions of planets, there must be a few like Earth. And if there are a few like Earth, then a few of those might support life." Holmes replies, "Watson, you idiot, someone stole our tent."

[DeathRider]

One of the guys that works for me is a reborn Christian. we get along well considering I am an agnostic. I asked him today, "how would the christian community take it if one of there Ministers was to develope Terrets syndrome" I honestly cuaght him off guard and he walked away thinking and shaking his head, I asked him later what his conclusion was and he said he couldnt come up with one and I replied that this is a situation to ponder.

[Tej1]

Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for 97'. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away Ka-boom!!! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away Ka-Blooey!!! A car passes going around 90 mph. Bulls-Eye! Right into it. I've got to get this guy, Norv says to himself, he has a perfect arm! So, he brings him back to the states and teaches him the great game of football. The Redskins went on to win the Superbowl that year and the young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXII. When Norv Turner asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted to do was call his mother. "Mom", the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the Superbowl!" "I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son". "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans". "No, let me tell you", the mother implores. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and this week your sister was killed in broad daylight.." The old lady pauses, in tears, ".. I'll never forgive you for moving us to Washington".

[sekim]

Tej1,

Is that a joke?

[zevele1]

I would say yes,and a good one

[DocLotus]

John is boasting to his buddies that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"What will you do for your 50th?" one of his buddies asks.
"I don't know" he replies. 'Maybe I'll go back and get her!"


AGING...
Now that I'm older....here's what I've discovered:

01. I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
02. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
03. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
04. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
05. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
06. If all is not lost, where is it?
07. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
08. It was all so different before everything changed.
09. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
10. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
12. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
13. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
15. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

19. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

HOW TO BATHE A CAT!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog


A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show:
"Skwaaak! It's not the same hat!"
"Skwaaak! He's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey! Skwaaak! Why are all the cards the ace of spades?!"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship hit a reef and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for an entire day, and then another.
On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer: "OK! Skwaaak! I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?!"

[JohnC]

Subject: Planning another war.


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks  in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" . The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says,
"Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
.
Bush says, "We're planning WW III".
.
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
...
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and
one blonde with big Boobs.
...
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big Boobs? Why kill a blonde with big
Boobs?"
...
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million
Iraqis!"

[gateley]

Two guys in a balloon get lost. They are passing over a road and see a man walking along. "HEY WHERE ARE WE" they yell. The man turns and looks, and stares, and stares, and stares, and just as they are about out of voice reach he yells "YOU ARE IN A BALLOON". The first guy says to the second: "He's a mathematician". The second says "How do you know?" The first replies: "3 things:

1. It took him a long time to come up with a solution.

2. It was perfectly correct.

3. It was perfectly useless."

j

[Jazzwolf]

Ok, here's a good one:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
"Don't Step on the Ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough,there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidently steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on, Very tan, muscular and sexy, St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[lise]

Engineers ask:  How does this work?
Scientists ask:  Why does this happen?
Philosophers ask:  Do you want fries with that?

[lise]

This not too bright girl is at a coke machine.
She puts in a dollar, and gets a coke.
She puts in another dollar, and gets another coke.
She puts in yet another dollar, and gets yet another coke.

The guy behind her is getting impatient, and says as much.

She puts in a dollar and gets a coke.
She puts in another dollar, and gets another coke.

Now the guy is getting quite irate.  "What are you doing?"
She turns to him and says:  "Hold your horses, can't you see I'm winning!"

[JollyJim]

A man walking a dog is approached by another man who asks 'Will your dog bite me if I stroke him?'. The first man replies 'no'. So, the second man starts stroking the dog at which point, the dog goes berserk and rips his arm off. 'I thought you said he would'nt bite' says the second man as he is helped into the ambulance to which the first man replies 'it is'nt my dog'.

[ZedX]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals
and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not
happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad
traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all
in all, he'll give you a hard time.

"But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt
and kill things."

"He will be witless and will revel in childish
things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be
too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think
properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and
self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe
that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, Woman to woman."

[Hank the Dwarf]

A 78 year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest that the night before he had wild sex with a beautiful 18 year-old girl.

The priest asks, "When was your last confession my son?"

The man replies, "I've never been to confession before and I'm Jewish."

The puzzled priest asks, "Then why are you telling me about having sex with an 18 year-old?"

The man replies, "Hey, I'm tellin' everyone!!"

[John C]

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

[Oogi]

1)Subject: Mathematics

ROMANCE MATHEMTICS
Smart man |PLS| smart woman = romance
Smart man |PLS| dumb woman = affair
Dumb man |PLS| smart woman = marriage
Dumb man |PLS| dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss |PLS| smart employee = profit
Smart boss |PLS| dumb employee = production
Dumb boss |PLS| smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss |PLS| dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understan her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANG
A woman marries  man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

(Please send this to a smart woman who needs a good laugh and to the guys you think can handle it)


2)

Question:

Excuse me, what is your opinion
About the shortage of beef?”


             Answers:

In Somalia: “What is Beef?”
In Iran:       “What is Opinion?”
In the US:   “What is Shortage?”
In Israel:     “What is Excuse Me?”

Good day..

[PhatPhreddy]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping... they find the ideal camp cround and set up thier tent get thier campfire going etc and go to sleep... In the middle of the night Holmes wakes watson up and says "Watson, look around you and tell me what you deduce"... Watson looks around sleepily at the 1000's of stars and says "Well there are millions of stars... And each star must be surrounded by many many planets... and presumably many of those planets are similar to Earth... And that these planets are then capable of sustaining life... And with so many of them in the infitite sky it is probable that there is life in space..." "Watson you are an idiot" Holmes replied... "someone has stolen our tent !!!"

[sekim]

Tom, Frank, and Harry are fishing in a boat. Frank stands up to get a beer, loses his balance, falls in the lake, and dissapears. After a few minutes, and no sign of Frank, Tom tells Harry he better go in after him.
Harry drags him into the boat and notices hes not breathing. "Better give him mouth-to-mouth" says Tom.
"Whew! I dont remember him having this bad of breath!" says Harry.
Tom replies, "Oh yeah, well I dont remember him wearing a snowmobile suit!"

[JimH]

Borderline.  You're pushing our standards to a new level.

[Callithumpian]

Bill Gates' House
Bill Gates called his architect and said, in a disgruntled tone: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Architect: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75.00 per call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah.... The first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."
Architect: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "But we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Architect: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker???"
Architect: "Yeah. It allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un-stack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh...I dunno??? Anyway, the second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Architect: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?
Architect: "Just un-install and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Architect: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill, sighing: "Oh, well... I have one last problem. Sometimes when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low the showers don't work."
Architect: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is bogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Architect: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to doing your duty."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Architect: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"
Architect: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually, it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."